Xbox 360 Review: Halo 3 ODST

It has arrived…….

Summary:

First, I love the Halo series. LOVE. So, if you are looking for an unbiased opinion about this game, then you came to the wrong place. I think even if ODST was terrible I would still like it. It wasn’t terrible, but i’m just sayin….

If you enjoyed Halo 2 and 3, you will definitely like this game. Halo 3 to me was epic. It was moving, it was engaging, it had me in tears at some points. Do not go into this game expecting the same thing. ODST is a great filler between Halo 3 and Halo: Reach that comes out next year. If you have been aching for a Halo fix, much like I have, then this will hold you over for a bit. Again, don’t be expecting Epic. The story is good but not excellent. The graphics are okay, nothing amazing. The gameplay is fun and the way they put ODST together is pretty darn good. It did not disappoint me and this is coming from a chick who has played thousands of Halo 2/3 multiplayer games and beat the campaign numerous times. I love Halo and I loved Halo ODST.

Game Facts:

It took me about 7 hours to complete the entire game, which might seem quick, but compared to the previous Halo’s, it’s really only a tiny bit shorter. (I can complete Halo 3 easily in about 8 hours.) The game price is $60, which I don’t really want to get into. It isn’t a full game and should have been cheaper, end of story. It includes 2 discs, one being the campaign with the multiplayer Firefight and the other being the Xbox Live Mutiplayer Halo with all 24 maps. The second disc is worth it for someone who is new to Halo or never wanted to spend the money to get the new maps. For people like me, who bought all the new maps as soon as they came out, I kind of get screwed. Now instead of playing multiplayer through Halo 3, you just insert Disc 2 and you play multiplayer through that. You also get an invitation to be the first to play Halo Reach (BETA) when it comes out next year, which would be rad if the damn thing wasn’t coming out NEXT YEAR.

The Storyline:

I don’t want to get too much into the plot as you can get this information on a million other websites. Briefly though – you do not play as Master Chief in this game (boo), you instead play as a normal human called “The Rookie”. He is part of the United Nations Space Command (UNSC) soldiers known as Orbital Drop Shock Troopers (ODST). You are playing as them, during the events of Halo 2 and Halo 3. Not exactly a prequel…not a continuation. During a mishap, your team lands on the town of New Mombasa. You are all scattered across the town and must reconnect with each other. New Mombasa is were you are going to be during a lot of the game, so get used to it. It’s sort of a run down, apocalyptic, futuristic town that is overrun with enemies. You pretty much roam this area while going from mission to mission.

New Thing Alert: You have a neat feature on your visor that allows you to see through the dark and it outlines enemies. It’s pretty cool and it will help you move around in New Mombasa. Pic Below:

In ODST, you can open up your visor and you will see a map of New Mombasa. There are a few things this is used for. It shows you where enemies are roaming, it shows you where you need to go and it shows you weapons stashes. I only used it to find where I needed to go. Otherwise it’s pretty much pointless. You use a compass on the top of the screen to guide you towards where you need to be, and at anytime during the game you get lost you just click the D-Pad UP and it’ll show ya where to go. Theres also some audio file playback crap on your visor…you can find audio files throughout New Mombasa and listen to them. These don’t have anything to do with you finishing the game, so I didn’t search for any of them.

So, you land in New Mombasa and you need to find your homies. When you reach a destination (beacon) pointed out on your visor map you find an object that warps you to each of your homies destination after they landed. You then play as them, beat that certain mission and then you return to New Mombasa. It seems complicated, but it ends up making sense when you play. During this time you play as Buck, Dutch, Romeo, Mickey and Dare. There are 10 missions in total and you will be surprised on how short they are. A few of them were just downright easy. BUT, they are fun. Eventually you find everyone and escape. The ending was a little weak, but again, this isn’t supposed to be epic its supposed to be nice fluffy filler between the two badboys that are Halo 3 and Halo Reach.

The Differences:

• The enemies/weapons are the same as before, the only difference is the SMG has a scope and the Pistol also has a scope and is badass.
• You hold more bombs. Woopidy doo.
• You are human so your jump is a little less than Master Chiefs and your bomb throw distance is shorter, but it’s barely noticeable.
• Your health is almost exactly the same. You get hit, your visor turns red, you can hide out for a bit and regain your strength. The catch is that this can only happen a few times, after that your health bar will blink red and you will need to find a health pack. This might sound stupid (it did to me) but it really isn’t that big of a deal. Most of the time you won’t ever need to find a pack and when you do, they will always be close by.
• There is a neat feature that tells you how many more (sticks, kills, etc.) that you need before you get an achievement. For example, it will say “1 of 9 Pink Mist” on the corner of the screen when you kill someone with the needles. If you stay alive and get 9 needle kills, you get the Pink Mist achievement.

Overall:

The game is fun, it’s a great addition to the Halo 3 series. It should not have been $60. Firefight is pretty cool but its only playable with friends that you invite into the game, there is no searching for game players (like on slayer, etc.). It isn’t included on the multiplayer disc, it’s included on the campaign disc. The UNSC chick named DARE, who is supposed to be some hottie, looks like a dude and the little love story between her and Buck is pretty stupid. Most of the dialogue is campy but the UNSC dialogue has been like that throughout the other games. I was disappointed that ALL of the enemies are pretty much exactly the same on ALL of the missions. There were a bunch that weren’t included at all. Finding ammo proved to be a bit difficult. The soundtrack is killer.

If you don’t want to buy the game, borrow it or rent it. It’s easily beatable in a 7 hour session. Play it on easy and it would probably be beatable in 4 hours. But if you play it on easy, you are a pansy.

One love,

Jamie

twitter: @OrlandoJamie

email: jamie32182@gmail.com

Waiting for the other shoe to drop….

I heard a “joke” once. A man goes to a hotel and gets a room. The hotel employee warns him that the only room left has a guy staying next door that is a bit high-strung so he should be weary not to startle him or make any loud sudden noises. The man says that is fine, as he only needs the room for a few hours to rest. Once in the hotel room, the man quietly starts to undress being careful not to make much fuss because of the guy next door. He sits down on the edge of the bed and starts to remove one of his shoes, he loses his grip and the shoe smacks down on the tile floor and makes a loud THWAP! The man cringes and hopes that this did not disturb the man next door. He is careful to remove his other shoe without even the slightest noise and places it gently on the chair next to his bed. After a few hours, there is a loud bang at the man’s door, he opens it and a man is standing there, clearly looking anxious and in a panic. He yells “FOR GODS SAKE, DROP THE OTHER SHOE!!!??”.

I butchered that story but it was along those same lines. It’s a humorous take on where the saying “waiting for the other shoe to drop” came from. Most people use the term to describe a certain specific instance, as though it means the same as karma. That every action has a reaction and that if a decision is made (whether it be good or bad) there will be some sort of outcome to it (good or bad). If you work hard for many years at your job, you could be “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, meaning you are waiting for your reward for all of the years of hard work. It can also be negative, such as if you missed a ton of work and called out all the time, you could be “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, meaning you are anxiously awaiting your pink slip.

I do not entirely believe it to mean anything positive or negative.

I take it to mean that some people are constantly living with anxiety and panic waiting for the worst possible thing to happen in their otherwise normal and calm existence.

I am eternally waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It isn’t that I am walking around with nervous nellie butterflies in my stomach all the time waiting for a piano to fall on my head or for a car to run me over. I am acutely aware that some things just happen and I have no control over them. It is during the larger decisions that I make in my life that I am waiting on the SHOE.

For example, I recently decided to exit the workforce and go to school full-time and live off of student loans. I have a good resume, I have experience, I have the ability, knowledge, intelligence and motivation to get a decent job, however due to the recent economic crunch, the best positions I could find were not challenging, rewarding or anywhere near what I wanted to do in my life. So, I made the decision to focus completely on school at an attempt to set myself up in my thirties to have a job that I at least enjoyed to some extent doing something that I felt good about. I can almost hear the shoe dropping already.

Worst Case Scenario – I finish school, rack up tens of thousands of dollars in student loans and I still can’t find a decent job because the economy hasn’t turned around. Or better yet, they stop handing out student loans and financial aid to students thus ending any sort of chance I had at acquiring a degree in the first place.

I have mentally, physically and emotionally prepared myself for these outcomes even though I have 2 years left of school and there is no immediate threat of not being able to get student loans. But by preparing for them, at least mentally and emotionally, I am setting myself up to not have a nervous breakdown when both of those things inevitably happen (which they will). So although I am constantly waiting to get smacked in the face by the shoe, I’m not exactly letting it get in my way of doing what I set out to do.

I follow this pattern with all the decisions I make in my life that should or could have some sort of outcome. I’m not saying that this is the correct way to think; I am actually saying the complete opposite. It makes for quite the depressing school day when I am constantly thinking about how after all this hard work and dedication, I will most likely be unemployed with an expensive piece of paper in my hand that simply means “Yay, you can memorize stuff and pass tests!”.

Relationships are no different.

Worst Case Scenario – I meet prince charming and fall head over heels (another good saying). I finally open up and trust that this person feels the same way I do. Then, I get cheated on or lied too or dumped or murdered in my sleep with a shoe.

By preparing myself for the end before it even begins, I am actually creating a nice comfy spike shield around my heart so that instead of it breaking it will actually slice through the skin of any unsuspecting suitor who tries to fuck with it. This of course makes relationships very difficult for me, as I am never fully committed for fear of said heart breakage.

This can go the same way for friendships.

Worst Case Scenario – I meet a new friend, begin to trust them, share stories, tell secrets, then they swiftly stab a giant shoe in my back quicker than I can remember their kids names and birthdays (doing so is a big deal to me). It’s bound to happen and even if it doesn’t, I sure as shit will be ready for it.

So what is worse? Anxiously yet preparedly waiting for the shoe to drop? Or simply assuming that the shoe will never drop because it has been quietly placed on the chair next to the bed?

I don’t think I could ever be comfortable knowing that the shoe won’t drop. Mainly because I’m hoping with all of the Worst Case Scenarios, there has to be at least one or two Best Case Scenarios that will happen. But can a BCS actually happen if I am never fully dedicated? If I continuously prepare for the worst and never think of the best, can the best actually happen? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Peace,

Jamie

Follow me on Twitter: @Jamie_ODell

Email me @: Jamie32182@gmail.com

The Day…The Fountain Died…

Heya

So if you don’t know already, the fountain that graces Downtown Orlando’s Lake Eola was struck by lightening the other day and is broken. It’s so sad looking…just a rusty dome sitting in the middle of our beautiful city. I can see this fountain practically from my front yard and have been a neighbor of it for almost the entire 3 years of me living in Orlando. I love this fountain.

With that being said….I realize that there is no easy way to repair it. It’s going to cost a lot of money, a lot of money that the City of Orlando just doesn’t have. We are in the hole just like every other city and it feels wrong to put something like this on the front burner of a whole slew of other problems we are having.

Now, I also realize that it is not our (loyal citizens of Orlando) fault that we have no money. It is not our fault that we are in the hole. It is the fault of our elected officials who have done absolutely nothing to try to climb ourselves out of said hole. They have done nothing for us and will continue to do nothing for us. During this “Fountain Crisis” Mayor Buddy Dyer has done nothing but set up a donation fund for the great people of Orlando to donate to help repair this fountain. I believe that Mayor Buddy Dyer and the District Commissioners should be knocking on the doors of every single business in Downtown Orlando asking for a handout, but they won’t. It is those businesses that rely on us to keep their businesses open and it is my love for the fountain that keeps my business in Downtown Orlando.

I love the spirit of Orlando, I love that we can ban together to help a cause and put aside our own issues to help others in need. This was apparent during last weekends Cure for the Run (www.curefortherun.com) put on by SomaCow (www.somacow.com) and Rock for Hunger (www.rockforhunger.com). People do stand up when times are rough.

If you have the money, donate, if you don’t then don’t. (www.orlandotrust.org). I personally wouldn’t give the city a dime until they showed me the proposal for repairs and show me exactly how much money has and is being donated on a daily basis so that we know when we reach our goal. I know that there are wealthy businesses and businessmen and women in and around Orlando who could step up and save our iconic fountain. But will they? I doubt it.

So it is with a heavy heart, that I made this video…..an ode if you will. An ode to our beloved fountain that has been a part of this city for 50+ years. A fountain that was the focal point of “The City Beautiful”. A fountain that might leave this beautiful city and leave an empty hole in the hearts of its citizens….

Love,

Jamie

twitter.com/JamieExp

jamie32182@gmail.com

Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds

So I want to start this review out by commenting on some of the reviews I have read about this movie.

#1 being by Roger Moore, the Orlando Sentinels “Movie Reviewer”. Read the article here if you’d like (I wouldn’t give him the hits if I were you, but if you do, please write a comment on the bottom telling him he is worthless):
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment/orl-movie-review-inglourious-basterds,0,4336375.story

So, Roger Moore. I don’t know who this guy is and I don’t really care. The only reason I read the review was because Jim Phillips (local Orlando talk radio guy) said that he read a bunch of bad reviews about the movie and mentioned Roger. I had not heard a single bad word about this movie from people on twitter and elsewhere.

Roger starts out his “review” by saying “Hollywood’s two most indulged enfant terrible filmmakers have now made the worst two World War II movies of this millennium. With Inglourious Basterds Quentin Tarantino has topped Spike Lee ( Miracle at St. Anna) in awfulness”.

Alright, so Roger just doesn’t like Quentin Tarantino. Once I read that, I realized this guy was worthless and hated the movie before he even saw it. He obviously just doesn’t like Quentin’s work and that is fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion (including me). But to start a review by letting everyone know that you think the filmmaker is terrible, is just stupid. He also went ahead and gave the movie 1 out of 5 stars which is so ridiculous it made me laugh. There are very few movies that deserve 1 out of 5 stars. Romy and Michelles High School Reunion and Step Brothers to name a few off the top of my head.

Bottom line, Roger Moore is one of those guys who hates movies that everyone else loves and loves movies that everyone else hates. Maybe that is his schtick. All I know is that I will never read another review by him personally, ever and either should you.

Rotten Tomatoes gave it great reviews. If you look at Yahoo Movies which throws together all of the professional Movie Reviews, its lowest score was a C+ by the New York Times. Everyone else gave it an A or A-. Regular movie watchers gave the movie a B+ overall.

So Roger Moore….you are an idiot.

Anyway, here’s what I thought:

Quentin Tarantino has written a slew of fucking amazing movies. Starting with Reservoir Dogs (AMAZEBALLS) then Pulp Fiction, Natural Born Killers, Four Rooms, From Dusk Till Dawn, Jackie Brown and Kill Bill 1 and 2. I have seen all of these movies and thought they were excellent. I never saw Grindhouse, but will watch it soon. Quentin Tarantino is known for pushing the limits creatively and has a signature style when it comes to blood and gore. Some people think he’s too violent and a little off kilter, but what great filmmaker isn’t? I like a movie that I remember and I remember Quentins films.

Quickly, here is a summary of what the movie is about: In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as “The Basterds” are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis.

I will say that about 85% of this movie is in subtitles. It didn’t take anything away from the movie however so don’t skip it because you think it will be hard to keep up with. I also had no idea that this was a remake of a 1978 movie..nor do I care. It’s obvious that Quentin made it his own. It has the same style that you expect from his films and doesn’t disappoint. The story isn’t meant to be seen as a historically accurate portrayal of France during WWII, but it does follow the notion that everything that happened during that time was bullshit insane. It is gory in some parts but nowhere near his previous films.

From the get go, the actor that plays Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz) blew me away. In short, this is the guy that hunts jews and has a reputation of being a smarmy prick. He plays it to a TEE. Every single word out of his mouth is gold. He stole the show in my eyes, even against Brad Pitt.

So Brad Pitt, he is delicious in this as he is in all of his movies. He plays Aldo Raine who is the leader of the “basterds”. Although I don’t really think Brad Pitt has much range as an actor, I enjoy all of his movies. He did a great job in this. I also enjoyed Eli Roth as the “Bear Jew” who would beat Nazi’s to death with a baseball bat. BJ Novak who you might know from The Office is also a “Basterd”. Mike Myers has a cameo that I didn’t really get the point of but whatever. OVERALL, the acting was excellent by everyone involved.

One thing I wanted to mention was the soundtrack. It is slick and insane and right on point. Also, there are excellent montages done about some of the characters (Hugo Stiglitz being my favorite). I laughed at a few points and cringed at a few of the more gory scenes but the dialogue was impeccable and kept your attention (even though a majority of it is spoken in German and French).

In conclusion, I’d pretty much recommend this movie to anyone. It’s worth the $9. It’s 2 in a half hours long, but didn’t feel like it at all. I would see this again and if I purchased DVD’s (which I do not) I would add it to my collection.

Suck it Roger Moore.

I give it 4 out of 5 bloody baseball bats.

Xbox360: What HAS changed

Alright, so I was eagerly anticipating the newest large scale upgrade to the Xbox 360 LIVE system. The last upgrade was intense, as it pretty much changed the entire online platform. This upgrade was minimal at best (as was expected, it wasn’t supposed to be anything super great). I wrote a blog a few months back after the E3 convention, listing the ways I would improve the Xbox 360 (I also sent it to Xbox). A majority of improvements were made, however not the way they should have been. Here are my thoughts on the latest “improvements”.

I’m going to start with the RATINGS SYSTEM. I have been asking for this for about a year. I wanted a legit ratings system, where players can rate a game using a simple 5 star system, quickly from the Xbox Live platform. Xbox FINALLY decided to include this, so now I can see what others rate games. The thing about gaming is, if it has a good rating, chances are its a pretty fucking good game. It might not be your style of game, but it’s probably still well worth the rental or purchase. Kudos for Microsoft integrating this extremely simple but helpful tool into the LIVE platform. It looks great and works great.

Next, they have added a feature that allows you to WATCH MOVIES ONLINE WITH YOUR XBOX LIVE FRIENDS. If you don’t have an Xbox, let me explain. Xbox allows you to purchase and download pretty much any movie you can get from Blockbuster. It also is integrated with Netflix and allows you to stream movies instantly (like 6 bajillion movies) if you have a monthly membership. This concept allows you to get on your headset with a friend who could live in China and watch a movie together, being able to speak/laugh through the headset to one another. I think this is a cool concept, however, I haven’t tested it and probably never will. Does the other friend have to purchase the movie? I have no idea. It’s an extra feature that has no point, but i’m sure it will be used by a few people.

Next up is GAMES ON DEMAND. Now, let me throw this at you…..you go out and purchase a $400 gaming system. A gaming system that has the most insanely practical online platform ever seen before anywhere in anything. Now, doesn’t it seem obvious that with all the other downloadable content (movies, music, add-ons, xbox original games) that you would be able to PURCHASE and DOWNLOAD a NEW game for the Xbox 360 console???? Yes, it is obvious, but it was not available. For some reason, Microsoft and Xbox didn’t think this was a good idea. They are stupid. They lost out on a whole fuck ton of revenue from people (me) who would have purchased the full games online (Halo 3, Saints Row 2, GTA, COD WOW, Fable II, etc.). Instead, these people either 1) Did in fact go out and buy the game at the store. 2) Rented the game 3) Borrowed it from a friend. Either way, they lost money. There are only 24 “newer” games available on the new OnDemand Games section, and the only two that are worth anything are Assasins Creed and BioShock. The rest are old. I am sure this will eventually be larger, so i’m not going to trash it. I’m thrilled that you can purchase the full game, however its not exactly a steal of a deal. For example, Assasins Creed is available on OnDemand for $29.99. You can drive to your local Gamestop right now and purchase a used version of the game for $19.99. I’m curious to see how this pans out….not exactly the “Online Game Rentals” system that im STILL hoping for…but it’s a step in the right direction.

Now to the important stuff, CHANGING WHAT YOUR AVATAR LOOKS LIKE! Now unlike the Wii, the avatars on the Xbox are pretty awesome. You can change a lot of stuff on them to reflect your style or inner rockstar or whatever you want. It’s the most ridiculous and pointless gaming concept ever created, but people love it, I LOVE IT. In my previous blog, I asked for more options. There was already a wide range of clothes, accessories, shoes, hair styles, etc. All I wanted was to be able to customize the colors, etc. So, Xbox decides to go fucking nuts and create a AVATAR MARKETPLACE. I thought “Sweet! More Clothes!”…..then I quickly changed my tune after clicking on the Marketplace and realizing that all of the items cost REAL MONEY. REAL MONEY. ACTUAL FUCKING MONEY THAT YOU WORK FOR. Before putting my fist through my Xbox, I decided to browse the collection to further piss myself off and boy did it.

Here’s a few screenshots:

Rad Halo shirt I found in the Xbox Avatar Marketplace. Only 160 fucking Xbox points, which equals….about $2.00.

Woo Hoo Sweet Guitar! I can add this for my Xbox Live friends to see, for another 160 points! Con.

Any Die Hard Splinter Cell fans out there? 400 points (or $5.00) can get you this sweet outfit! Fuck off….

Overall the upgrade was pretty lame and didn’t actually change anything that I use. I will NEVER pay for Avatar clothes and accessories, nor will I purchase a full 360 game for $10 more than I can get it at Gamestop. I also will never watch a movie with a friend online because well….when you watch movies you aren’t suppose to talk, so what the fuck is the point? I will however use the rating system. Better luck next time Xbox.

~Jamie~

GamerTag: slightlystpd420

jamie@theexperience.fm

http://www.theexperience.fm

twitter: @jamieexp

Dear WFTV

So. I cannot even write words to express my frustration, but I tried. I tried to at least send them an email and let them know that I was angry. Why? I know it will do absolutely nothing. I know that all anybody cares about is money. None of the local news agencies give a rats ass about Central Floridians. They certainly don’t care about inundating us with advertisements from a company that should be investigated for fraud. I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I know there are bigger fights to fight. But I just couldn’t sit here and say nothing…..

I don’t know if its the concept that we have zero choice in our Energy company so advertising seems extremely pointless, or that OUC is jumping on the whole GREEN BANDWAGON and trying to suck us onto their website so they can get some money from hits or scam Floridians into spending more money on shit they don’t need but will be made to believe they do. Either way…..here it is, it is animated and fancy and I know they paid a ton just for the advertisement to get created not to mention the amount of money it cost for them to advertise with WFTV. If you want to see it yourself, go to wftv and click on the news section. Its at the top….and will expand onto your screen when you first go there.

Dear WFTV –

Wow. Did WFTV make a nice chunk of change from OUC for their beautiful flash ad in the news section of the website? I sure hope so.

Nice to know that companies like OUC who just recently decided a 15% (15%!!!!!) price hike was a good idea for Central Floridians, can sit and spend money on worthless advertising. We have no choice in our power company, so why advertise? To teach me on ways that I can save money on my electric bill? I can not believe how ridiculous that is.

How about OUC spends their money thinking up ways to lower the prices for Central Floridians so that we don’t have to struggle on a daily basis in order to survive. So that when we are told about a mandatory increase (that we have zero control over), we don’t have to shutter at the thought of ever saving a penny to let our children go to College or on a class trip.

Every single other advertisement on your website is a local business or at the very least a company that we have a choice to spend our money at. It’s a sad day when the place you go to for community information and news is sitting around lining their pockets by a company that is pretty much scamming Central Floridians.

I’m positive you aren’t the only news station and/or website that supports companies that do absolutely nothing to attempt to relieve the stress on Americans, but instead just create more stress. But I just don’t get it. Why? Did you really need the extra money? Was it really necessary for you to throw an ad on your news site that I know cost a ton of money to create, when every other business on East Colonial is shutting down, nobody can find a job in Central Florida and we are already up to our ears trying to just pay our bills and survive?

I know you need to pay your bills, but have a little dignity and pride. We are the reason you are around.

-Jamie

Someone in Central Florida who actually gives a shit about Central Floridians needs to get into office. I will run their entire campaign and I will do it for free. I do not have the balls, the experience, the education or the desire to just do it myself, but if someone stands up and proves to me that they are getting involved because THEY CARE ABOUT CENTRAL FLORIDIANS I will devote all of my free time into creating the sweetest fucking campaign anyone has ever seen before in their lives.

Im angry.

Peace.

My Favorite Fads

I have been wanting to write a blog about Bacon for a long time but have been entirely too nervous to do so (there are some crazy m’fers that love bacon). So instead, i’ve decided to come up with a list of my favorite/worst FADS throughout my life and incorporate my Bacon rant into it. I touch in the 2000s (18-27 years old), 1990′s (8-17 years old), 1980′s (born – 8 years old). Enjoyski’s.

MY FAVORITES FROM THE 2000′s

Bacon – I’m just gonna get right into it. I know you love it. I know it’s tasty. I know it’s pretty good on anything including your own flesh if need be. BUT ITS BACON!!!! In the last, i’ll say, year in a half, for some reason the Bacon Powers That Be decided to step up their game and create this sort of romantic allure towards this cut of meat that is simply the belly chunks of some disgusting ass pig. It’s not attractive, in fact the type of bacon the majority of American’s eat is referred to as “Streaky”. From now on, I will be referring to anyone who mentions Bacon in my presence as “Streaky”. Bacon also is attributed to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, colorectal and stomach cancer. It pretty much just makes Americans more obese and unhealthy which is why it has been embraced by us.

So why the love? Why the Bacon Fiasco of 2008-2009? I have no answers. I think it was clever marketing. The Atkins diet made it cool to eat Bacon, which didn’t hurt the cause. For all I know, Al Gore is the one who invented Bacon. So let’s thank him.

We have the bacon explosion, chicken fried bacon, chocolate covered bacon, candied bacon, bacon salt, baconnaise and the ever so popular bacon bits that single men nowadays, probably dump in their coco puffs every morning. When will it end people? Bacon Gum? Bacon Cereal? Bacon Bacon? Bacon Condoms? (that is actually a good one…I saw your ears perk up. BACONdoms will be in stores in a week because someone will steal my idea). I digress…

Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE bacon by itself. I don’t want it on a sandwich or in my salt or mixed with anything. But I like old school slices of bacon next to my old school scrambled eggs. If I could swim in a bathtub full of bacon….I would do it. I would also take pictures of me in the tub o’ bacon and post them on the internet. Because the only thing better than bacon itself, is the sick fascination that people on the interwebs have with it. mmmmm….baconbath…..

In Conclusion:

I give this Bacon fad until the end of the year. 2010 is the year of the Brussel Sprout fo sho. Just simply typing Baconnaise made me throw up in my mouth.

Poker – Poker? I hardly knew her? Anyway, here’s the deal with poker. I realize it’s been popular for years and years (there is debate, but a majority say it has been around since 1890), but just up until the early 2000′s did we start seeing the tables and poker kits on every shelf of every novelty store in America. It became the MUST-GET gift for all dads, brothers, uncles, grandpa’s and sons for Christmas and Birthdays. What is more manly than sitting around with your dudes (most likely comprised of a family member you invited because you couldn’t find a fourth, a friend that you hate, the friend of the friend you hate and your 9 year old son), talking about the chicks your banging (even though you all have wives that you cannot stand after having to get married because she got pregnant with your 3rd player, the 9 year old son), smoking cigars that the friend of the friend you hate bought from 7-11 (while the wife you can’t stand is bitching at you from the kitchen about the smell), you get the picture…..it’s pretty comical all around to me.

Much like Bacon, the reasons behind it’s explosion are up for debate. I believe the reason it became so popular was because they started showing a ton of poker competitions on television and because you can play poker online for real money. Also, Matt Damon was in a little movie called Rounders with Edward Norton in the late 90′s. After that movie, Edward Norton made American History X and Fight Club and became every straight man’s bro-crush, so all of the dudes who didn’t see Rounders went back and watched it (so they could drool over edward norton) and decided they wanted to make their millions workin people in the poker circuit. 1% of whom did. The other 99% haven’t opened that poker gift set their annoying wives bought them and it’s dust covered in some random closet next to that Loudmouth Billy the Bass shit that every man received the Christmas before.

For every 1 local dude that makes it to a Vegas competition because he got lucky, there are 2 million single males who are sitting in their college dorm, smokin pot and depositing their student loan checks into FullTiltPoker.com or PokerStars.com and coming up empty handed. It’s an addiction that can ruin lives and families but I think a majority play it responsibly. I like that guys can have a poker night, I like that it is a competition that actually has some money involved, I like that it’s easy enough for a chick to play. Ever try to play Craps? Fuck that confusing mess of a dice game.

In Conclusion:

I think this fad is almost run its course, but not completely. Poker is funny to say no matter what. Matt Damon is a fad starter.

Livestrong Bracelets – I don’t have much to say about this, other than it was definitely a fad. Little yellow silicone bracelets that look cool on anybody and the money from the purchase goes toward the Lance Armstrong Foundation to fight Cancer. Now if i’m correct, Lance Armstrong is a survivor of cancer, no? So….since Cancer is survivable, what is the point? I’m kidding…it’s a good cause, I bought one, I bought two actually. Nike is the one who came up with the idea and probably made bajillions from it.

Again, I hate to bring up Matt Damon and his effects of all things “Fad” related, but WIKIPEDIA actually names him as one of the celebrities who donned this beautiful piece of jewelry. Along with John Kerry and Katie Couric. Unfortunately, this fad quickly died because every Tom, Dick and Harry realized it was super simple to recreate the piece of crap and charge more than $1 for them and none of the money would go to charity. Most likely the ones I got went to Habeeb and his family of twelve at the 7-11 I purchased mine from and most likely the ones YOU purchased funded some sort of terrorist organization.

In Conclusion:

Fad is dead. Cancer is still very much alive. You should be ashamed of yourself for funding terrorism

Oversized Sunglasses - This is still prevalent. I have owned 6 or 7 pairs of oversized glasses. The reason this fad pisses me off so badly is because for YEARS, most of my life actually, I continuously tried to get my mother to stop wearing giant grandma sunglasses and instead change to the smaller more Palin-esque glasses. BUT NO. All of a sudden, Nicole Ritchie and her God Awful fashionistas decided that gigantic sunglasses were cool again because you could cover your strung out coke-weary eyes and be virtually invisible while eating at the most popular paparazzi covered restaurants in LA. They look effing ridiculous on all women and Ryan Seacrest, yet we all bought them and love them. Sunglasses are supposed to do one thing and one thing only….block my beautiful green eyes from the harmful ultra-violet radiation projected from the sun. They also assist in keeping my hair out of my eyes while wearing them on my head which I do 90% of the time. Why? Because giant sunglasses are stupid and they look stupid.

In Conclusion:

Fad is still going strong and I am aboard the train. My mom is wearing little sunglasses now (dammit mom!!). With all of the money we spent on sunglasses in the last 100 years, we could have just gotten rid of the sun altogether. If Kanye West sunglasses become the next fad, i’m shooting myself in the face with a makeshift livestrong bracelet bacon gun.

Soduko – It’s a puzzle. It’s a puzzle on a grid. It’s the most ridiculous (yet OBVIOUS) concept i’ve ever seen but Howard Garns (the architect who created this Fad) is now a billionaire and he deserves every cent of it. It’s been around a while, since the late 70′s but not until recent could you find 100 page Puzzle Books completely devoted to Soduku. There are video games, you can play it on your cellphone, in the newspaper (wtf is a newspaper?), online against people, it has spawned a game show, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I honestly can’t even think of a way to trash this as I am a lover of all things puzzle related and anything that requires Americans to use their brains. I do not however like the game as it just seems way too easy for me. There is a logical way of figuring out every single puzzle and sequence….so….well…..whats the point?

In Conclusion:

This fad was bigger a few years ago but its still out there. It’ll be around forever. I am too smart for it. Matt Damon had nothing to do with it.

MY FAVORITES FROM THE 1990′s

Rollerblades – Fucking rollerblades. I don’t even want to continue writing but I will (hah, good try). I will get a little nostalgic on this one and use my personal history of this as a few examples of the gheyness that is Rollerblading. When I was younger we had a skating rink called RollerRama in Michigan. I think it’s still there. We would go in Elementary School and rent those god awful brown skates that went up to your kneecaps and attempt to look cute while doing the limbo in front of the cute boys. Eventually, I realized that these skates were the LAMEST things ever, so I forced my parents into purchasing me a pair of Speed Skates. They were awesome and I was even more awesome for having them. We had a huge basement and I could skate all night in them. I will gladly admit that I had an entire speedskating routine based solely around the soundtrack from The Mask with Jim Carrey. Why? Because I was awesome. Eventually I got bored with them, because…well…they are effing rollerskates and I realized that they were in fact NOT AWESOME.

Now by the time Rollerblading was cool in my life, it was actually COOL. It was X-GAMES cool. It was ARLO EISENBERG cool (who I effing loved). It was halfpipes and grinding and my brother was big into it so of course, I was as well. This is not the rollerblading I speak of.

I’m talking, neon green laces, giant back brakes, plastic pieces of shit that always rubbed into your ankles, Rollerblades. You bought them at Wal-Mart or Sports Authority, they never fit right, you always had to wear socks with them that stuck out the top and at least once in your life you tripped on a rock, fell flat on your ass and got some serious road burn. If you were lucky, your parents also forced you to wear the elbow and knee pads as well as a sweet dork helmet.

I’m happy to say that nobody really rollerblades anymore although i’m not against it as a form of exercise. Let me clarify. I’m not against as a form of exercise for GIRLS. If you are a dude, and thinking that you want to buy a pair of rollerblades to work off your dukebelly, don’t. Just don’t do it. Buy a bicycle. You will look way less lame and avoid people throwing shit at you as they drive by your fatass rolling down the road. They are uncomfortable and honestly you will probably break your arm within the first week of using them. Just don’t do it guys. Just don’t.

In Conclusion:

Fad is dead, but you can still purchase them from Wal-Mart. The only reason I included this was to reiterate to men that rollerblading will do nothing but make you look like a douche.

Chat Rooms – I think everyone I know has a Chatroom story from the 90′s. I’m not talking about anything but straight up MIRC or AOL Chatrooms. When nobody had any clue that half of the hot chicks in a room who you were trying to get to e-mail you booby pictures, were actually 50 year old pedophiles. When every single person who even had a sliver of internet computer knowledge wanted to be a Hacker. This was before people met each other online, when it was still fairly anonymous, you could pretty much pretend to be whomever you wanted to me. Now, we aren’t so easily duped and expect a Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and Personal Website in order to verify your authenticity. You hear that pedophiles??? You better come up with a crafty teenage girl looking Myspace page, or else I will think you are a pedophile.

I was part of a chatroom around 93-94. It was MIRC based and it took me months and months of continuous complimenting and flirting with the MODS before I was FINALLY allowed to be a MOD. It was one of my proudest moments. I used to play S.C.A.R.A.B. with my fellow chatters, which was a first person shooter extremely similar to the current HALO series that I was convinced up until a short awhile ago was actually a figment of my imagination, but I finally found some screenshots and an oldschool website devoted to it.

What I find most comical about this FAD, is that it hasn’t died and it really hasn’t changed much at all. Even though we have the options now to just speak to each other online via voice and video chat, we still go to the ol’ standby…regular text based chat. Ustream and Justin.tv are immensely popular as are the other millions of chatrooms that are available to us. It opened up this world of communication where the worst consequence is either being de-modded or banned. You can speak your mind and learn about other people even if 90% of it is all bullshit. Up until 1997 everything was chill, then Sandra Bullock had to go and make “The Net” and scare the shit out of everyone. Cause ya know, with simply knowing someones IP address you can pretty much change identities and get Dennis Miller killed by switching his prescriptions via hacking into the pharmacies computer system.

In Conclusion:

This fad will never die as we are more and more moving toward a completely non-verbal way of communicating. My MIRC chatname was Seraph2113 and I ruled channel #1, LMFAO. Dennis Miller should NEVER act.

Pogs – Pogs were so lame, but I fell under it’s worthless spell back in the day. It started in Hawaii in the 20′s but became popular in the 90′s. They were simply a piece of cardbored with an image on them that meant nothing. You had a “Slammer” which was a heavier POG. There was a game involved where you would slam your slammer down on the top of a stack and any that landed face up you would keep (which i’m sure pissed off a ton of parents who worked their shit jobs in order to buy you some worthless pieces of cardboard). I never really played the game, I just collected them. They were eventually banned in my school (as was everything) and I lost interest after about a month of screaming at my parents to buy me them. I’m assuming there are still people playing in POG tournaments across the globe and those people are referred to as “LOSERS”.

In Conclusion:

Pogs were lame. The fad is dead.

Beanie Babies – Ugh, beanie babies. Every middle aged mother of 3 collected these worthless bean bag filled pieces of crap. I don’t even understand how they became so popular, but they did. The nine original Beanie Babies were Legs the Frog, Squealer the Pig, Spot the Dog, Flash the Dolphin, Splash the Whale, Chocolate the Moose, Patti the Platypus, Brownie the Bear and Punchers the Lobster. Let’s go over these shall we. Obviously these were created at the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, school. Why would the name be PUNCHERS for the lobster? They eventually changed it to Pinchers…..all that means is that the original one is worth about 3 cents more on Ebay. Patti the Platypus doesn’t make any sense to me when the rest were actually related to something attributed to them (legs for the front, brown bear, pigs squeal, dogs have spots, dolphins flash their boobs, whales splash, the moose one is racist). In fact, the Platypus is a pretty stupid animal anyway so it should have never been included in the original nine. But some old lady secretary who’s name was Patti probably convinced the TY company to make it. Stupid old lady.

The tags on the Beanies was pretty much the most important part. If it didn’t have the TAG, then it wasn’t authentic. I can only imagine how many children got the shit beat out of them after ripping it off what they thought was just another stuffed animal they could play with.

I just read that there are 50,000 different beanie babies……so i’m done with this. Done. 50 fucking thousand? Are you kidding me? Eff that….get this crap out of my face.

In Conclusion:

Fad is dead unless you are a 70 year old woman. I just purchased the Garcia the Bear Beanie Baby on ebay for $2.50 and am going to tie it to the top of my water bong and rip the tag off as soon as I get it. With all the money we spent on Beanie Babies we could have probably fed, housed and schooled every single poor, homeless and uneducated child in this country.

Furbies – After the Beanie Baby thing, I don’t even really want to talk about these stupid toys. I never had one, but secretly I wanted one, my best friend had one and I hated her for it. They were a complete rip off but if used as a projectile, they could cause some damage. They weren’t toys, they were annoying and were popular for about 6 months. Pretty much a “Virtual Pet”, they started speaking Furbish when first acquired from it’s packaging. Eventually they started speaking English and a lot of people thought if you talked to it in English that you were actually teaching it English. You weren’t you DUMBFUCKS…you were just talking to a stupid battery operated furry mess that was programmed to start by speaking Furbish and eventually grow to speak English!!!!!!!!!! People seriously believed that. Seriously.

These pieces of furbage were $35 but a majority of people who got them ended up paying over $100 (suckers). I’m proud of my parents for not purchasing one for me. That $35 was much better spent on my POG collection.

In Conclusion:

Dead. They tried to make a come back in 2005, but it didn’t happen because although Americans are still stupid, we aren’t stupid enough to fall for that pile of crap again. I would like to hack a furby into saying whatever I would like it to say and then place is on an unsuspecting friends computer desk. My first instinct would be to make it say something about its love for Allah. lol, that cracks me up thinking about it.

Y2K – I LOVE Y2K!!!!!! Nothing makes me happier than when the American population gets fooled into believing the most ridiculous and insane shit our Government can think up, in order to keep our minds away from the other stuff that they are fucking up for us. I digress. So when the clock hit Midnight and Dick Clark was teabagging NYC, the entire world was supposed to implode. My toaster was supposed to be talking to me and my computer would turn into some sort of evil “Optimus Prime” and kill me and my family. All of the banks were going to lose our money and every single business was going to stop in its tracks because of computer glitches. On Midnight I was sitting at a bonfire drinking from a bottle of wine and chillin with my friends because the only thing I was scared about at the time was not graduating from High School in May because I skipped school everyday.

Nothing happened. Nothing. Not one single thing happened. For about 20 minutes of my life I was fearful of this thing. I mean, it was fairly logical to me that the dating system of 98, 99 and then 00, would reset some shit and the computers would go back to how they worked in the year 1900….eh, what? Alright, so none of it made sense, but we all bought into it. People were building bunkers in garages and buying thousands of dollars worth of books and system software in order to save all of there priceless digital photos and minesweeper scores. The Government was spending their time trying to fix a bullshit scam some pot smoking programmer created when they should have been hunting down Osama Bin Laden who was planning to ACTUALLY attack us and fuck shit up.

During this crap, Italy and South Korea did virtually nothing to prevent this devastation from happening and they had the exact same amount of problems the rest of the world did, NONE. The total cost of the work done in preparation for Y2K in the US was over 300 billion US dollars. Yep. 300 billion. I would love to think that this money was well spent and that is why nothing happened, but I don’t. I know it was a scam and someone made a shit load of money off of it and probably bought an island and named it Y2K in honor of the billions of dollars they scammed out of Americans and the entire World.

In Conclusion:

Bunk, obviously. We were all duped. I wonder what all those people did with their Garage Bunkers? When 9/11 happened they were probably thrilled at the prospect that they would get to use em.

MY FAVORITES FROM THE 1980′s

Now, the 80′s are rough for me. I have a really bad memory and barely remember yesterday let alone 20 years ago, so these I will quickly touch base on.

Garbage Pale Kids Cards – I was too young to enjoy these, but I know my brother did. They were gross but creative and funny at the same time. An obvious rip off from the insanity that was the Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. The guy who came up with the idea was Art Spiegelman, he’s a Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist, some others were involved but I mentioned the Pulitzer Prize winning guy because that seems hilarious to me. There was eventually a movie in 87 and an animated tv series. They released new box sets recently, but they are still not as cool as the older ones.

In Conclusion:

Dead fad. Someone still collects them though and I wish it was me. What is funnier than making fun of a wholesome toy like a Cabbage Patch Doll?

Slap Bracelets – These things were the bomb diggidy when I was a kid. They were made of some sort of flexible steel spring magic alien shit with fabric over them in any pattern or color you wanted. They could be straightened out and then slapped on your wrist, then wrap around it to form a bracelet. As quickly as these came about, they were quickly banned from my school. I guess you weren’t supposed to go up to your friends and slap them in the face with them, and eventually the fabric would rip and underneath was actually a fairly deadly steel weapon. Nothing special but completely addictive and we all had em.

In Conclusion:

Dead. My school banned them just like they banned everything else and made us walk 3 feet away from all other students. They even banned us from having bells on our shoes. Wtf? Why the hell did we ever want to have bells on our shoes?

Mad Libs – I’m sure these are still around and I am positive that I would still have to look up in the dictionary what an Adjective and Verb are. Totally fun to do with friends. Here is one that I most recently completed:

Person In Room: President Obama

Adjective: Hairy

Verb: Smoking

Part of the Body: Feet

Number: 33

Noun: Cat

Adverb: Quickly

Verb: Grabbing

Pronoun Plural: Them

Other Person in Room: Glenn Beck

This is exactly what resulted….I clearly do not have a fucking clue about nouns, adjectives, pronouns, verbs or adverbs….

Dear President Obama,

You are extremly Hairy and I Smoking you! I want kiss your Feet 33 times. You make my Cat burn with desire. When I first saw you, I Quickly stared at you and fell in love. Will you Grabbing out with me? Don`t let your parents discourage you, Them are just jealous.

Yours forever, Glenn Beck

In Conclusion:

Mad Libs = Always Funny. When your a kid and you start learning swear words, this is the most fun way to use them. Then your mom finds your book in your room and you get your ass reemed out for writing Cock and Shit. Bummer. I don’t know what a verb is….seriously.

Skip-it – Whoever invented this “toy” should be punched in the face. It’s not a damn toy, it’s a frickin torture device used to make fat kids lose weight. Granted, I wasn’t fat, I was competitive so I fucking loved it. But give me a break. You insert your foot in the hole and spin it around your ankle, then you jump over the stick and it counts how many times you’ve done it. Yes…that is it. That is the “TOY”. Hours of entertainment……mine was pink and I rocked the hell out of it. This is the sort of shit we should be giving our kids nowadays to do, but could you even imagine handing a child this???? They would laugh….they would laugh in your face, then kick you in the shin and probably shank you afterwards. Fucking fat kids.

In Conclusion:

Nobody has this anymore as it was probably deemed too dangerous. Eventually the counter on my skip it broke and I cracked it in half in a ritilin filled rage.

So that’s it for now!!! Those are muh favorite fads! What are yours? I don’t allow comments on my blog because blogger.com cannot handle their spam very well and I end up getting 90 comments linking me to naked britney spears photos. If you have something to say, just email me, i’ll respond and maybe post it on here. Or twitter me, best option to get an immediate response.

Go Pog Yourselves….

Jamie

jamie@theexperience.fm

twitter: @JamieExp

http://www.theexperience.fm

Twitter Rap Battle Seven-Twenty-One Twenty-Oh-Nine

So i’m a rapper. Don’t believe me? Just check this shiz out. Ive been waiting for the perfect opportunity to start a “Within 140 character Twitter Rap Battle” for some time now, and today looked like the perfect day. 3 Rounds. No Mercy. I took everyone down…one by one.

Round One: Jamie vs. Tail

Tail: nobody told me it was 140. I could have come up with that. You 2 and your nerdy rules

Jamie: who u callin nerdy, ur st cloud tire lovin dirty, twitter makes the rule you fool, 140 im outie.

Tail: Nerd is the word, like I know u have heard. You talk lots of game, bur your rhymes are just plain.

Tail: You jokes are old, your rhymes run cold, you try to teach lessons but you’ve just been schooled.

Jamie: old school of rhyme, school and cold dont blend, ur brain on the mend? u cant hang with the professor cause ur lessor, hack phlegm.

Jamie: listen vanilla my skillz top thriller, i got a glove with ur name on it, drink another st cloud miller. http://bit.ly/wAUkz

Tail: Just throw in the towel, its not cool to scowl. Your rhymes are played out, pack up cause School’s out.

Tail: a truce should be called, a lyrical compliation, to dethrone Miss Jamie a true trial and tribulation.

Jamie: dethrone? come here ill throw u a bone, poo rhymes with you and fail rhymes with tail, bring it on cracker my licks ain’t stale.

WINNER: Jamie (easy shmeezy)

Round Two: Jamie vs. Crispy

Crispy: my name is christoph, i’m always pissed off, and in my trunk, i got a sawed off…then i farted!

Jamie: ur name isnt christoph more like hoff as in hassle, germany loves you but thats it, you should quit, for you rappin ain’t it.

WINNER: Jamie (K/O)

Round Three: Jamie vs. Mickey (this is where shit. got. crazy.)

Jamie: Watch ur mouth white boy. E. B’s nails are razor sharp, he’ll cut up your face like he’s playin a harp. <-rapping is easy

Mickey: It’s easy when you spit shit simplistic, but I’m a sadistic linguistic mystic that goes ballistic when I rock it narcissistic

Jamie: ur rhymes are distant you need an assistant I am resistant, remember soma you gotta try to be consistent and persistent.

Mickey: Yours skills are redundant while mine flow abundant, I’m the czar with a scar, raps first white lyrical pundit

Jamie: Lyrical pundit?More like I lyrically pwnd it.Professor of rap I popcaps like lock I dont stop.Pill poppin rush wannabe aint got nothin on me

Mickey: Pizza’s here, so off the hook I’ll let you, with whack rap like that, it’s highly likely I’ll just forget you.

Jamie: eat ur za’ pepperoni ur full of baloney, im the mushroom that will crush rooms, forget me, forget u, u and cindy loo hoo.

Mickey: ‘za with ‘napple and ham, your rhymes are scam. I wish twitter would just filter your canned yam and spam, sam


Jamie: suess is old, like ur rhymes are bad, whatsamatta ur lettin a girl break a foot off in ur ass?

Mickey: You’re an irrelephant, that’s an irrelevant elephant. Like Horton your sportin a rant that’s scant. You should just recant

Jamie: quit quotin the dr. u rhyme stealin fool, im too cool, cant stop it im old school, put ya in a coma soma nice to know ya, i own ya

Mickey: why reinvent the wheel when there are rhymes aplenty to steal. You spit the fromage while I dish the homage

Jamie: if im the irrelevant elephant, then u know I never forget, steal from the dr, no point im the professor 2 legit.

Mickey: You rep the Hammer with your Grammar? Now that’s too damn far, just stammer and clamor and enamor with my glamor

Jamie: ill follow ur lead and rhyme like my niece,you should cease ur rappin lease,ur a piece, im hot as hell like im rapped up in fleece.


 Mickey: Fleeced like a sheep, Bowls of Pebbles are more deep, just go back to sleep, you make the gods of rap weep, creep.

WINNER: Mickey. Whatever.

Other noteable raps:

Mickey to Tail: Hello? Like Lionel Richie,You’re getting beat so then you turn bitchie? You try to f wit me? Bitch please. You’re an aborted sneeze

Mickey to Jamie in response to Tail: a throne she must in order to lose it, we should search eBay for her new ego, cause her old one? I bruised it

DJJohn: doin’ thisspaghetti – Serengeti – Eveready incomplete – sink and weep – toilet seat back street – track meet – that’s neat! – half beat

DJJohn: I am funny,I like bunnies, Touch my tummy, Mummy

Tail to Jamie: Scared she now runs, and violence is spoken, i liked her much better when she was a tokin…

Tail to Mickey about Jamie: ICP you do say, I will have to agree, oh how will we smite her, oh god, i just peed.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!!!

Mickey to Tail: Old and time tested, and you’ve been soundly digested and bested, you need steam punk chair cause you’ve just been wild wild wested

Follow all of us on twitter (if you dare):

@JamieExp

@somacow (mickey)

@TailExp

@crispydork

@djjohndork

Til next time –

Peace

Movie Review: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen “

Saw the first one, thought it was alright. Don’t really remember it much which is why I am taking to my blog for the second one. I want to be able to remember this moment when i’m a wise elder.

I’m a little late in the game I realize. This movie came out weeks ago. I’m not a huge “go to the movies” type of person. I’d rather watch em at my own house or not at all. The entire entertainment industry kind of annoys me (of course it does). The fact that “actors” make millions of dollars to just stand in front of a camera and pretend to be someone else in order to entertain me like i’m a fucking 2 year old playing peek a boo, sickens me. BUT, I am human so like everyone else I put on my Mondays best and trolled over to the local cinema to sit in an empty theatre with a few other dorks who had nothing better to do but watch this summers blockbuster, even though all the reviews were terrible.

Here is what I have to say about this movie, quickly (quickly meaning 7 totally drawn out long winded paragraphs):

Shia Lebeouf is hot. Megan Fox is hot. Josh Duhamel is hot. Tyrese is hot. Even Bumblebee is hot in this movie.

Shia never disappoints me. I used to watch him on Disney’s Even Stevens when I was younger. I think he’s a good actor and he has a funny delivery, I think he has the potential to become my generations…Will Smith. He continues his nerdy yet surprisingly rugged roll and plays it off well. He made me laugh a few times. He made me want to punch him in the face a few times. He shouted “BUMBLEBEEEEEE!!!!!” WAYYYYY TOO MANY TIMES. Overall….yay Shia. I would like to see him and Josh Duhamel naked. Just sayin…..

The first moment you see Megan Fox she is literally straddle humping a crotch rocket with her ass hanging out of her shorts. I GET IT. She is BEAUTIFUL. She is SEXY. She has giant LIPS. It was just super cheesy. She played her part again, hot chick…running around….seems way too cool for Shia but for some wacky reason she loves him. The story between Shia and Megan was uber cheesed up, but so was the story between Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck in Armageddon. Or Will Smith and Vivica A Fox in Independence Day. Or Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Mcguire in Spiderman. Or every other action/end of the world movie ever made since the beginning of time.

Shia’s parents were hilarious and the best actors in this movie.

The special effects were cool. I was pretty amazed by some of the “transformations” that were made, but then it seemed like they started to exaggerate them. Some transformations took what seemed like 15 minutes and by then you’d think a decepticon would have just blown some shiz up and gone home. Sometimes the graphics got a little too insane so you couldn’t tell what the hell was happening. At two points I felt nauseous. But overall, the effects were rad. The robots looked the most real i’ve ever seen a movie robot look.

The two robots…..the twins. Skids and Mudflap ( I had to look that up )….they were the Jar Jar Binks of this movie. I hated them.

Also, the stupid cheeseball catch phrases the robots kept saying were fucking awful. AWFUL.

This movie would have been a hundred times better if they got rid of the cheeseball shit writing and they made it a bit darker. I liked the way it incorporated the events into everyday life like it could possibly be happening in real life. But overall….I hated the movie. This coming from someone who loved Independence Day, which is the lamest cheesiest movie in the world. At least they didn’t make the aliens say stupid ass catch phrases. They left that to Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum (“I gotta get me one of these!” “Yes, yes. Yes. Without the “oops”".)

If you liked the first one, you’ll think it was better than this one. If you are a chick, it’s worth seeing for Shia, Josh and Tyrese. If you are a dude, Megan Fox’s boozunga’s are hangin out throughout the whole movie. Graphics cool, Acting horrible, Writing terrible.

I give it 1 nug out of 5.

P.S. One of the writers for this wrote – Scream 3, Arlington Road, Reindeer Games and The Ring. The other two, wrote for the Hercules series on television. That. explains. everything.

Director Michael Bay directed Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, Bad Boys and The Lionel Richie Collection. Woop…..

Social Networking and My Family

http://myparentsjoinedfacebook.com

Oi the humiliation when a Mother or Father/Sister or Brother/distant Aunt or Uncle/Dog or Cat manages to finally join the facebook/myspace/twitter bandwagon! I thought I was alone in this, at least as an adult. It makes sense for a kid to be nervous about this sort of violation of privacy, but for some reason it used to make me SO nervous I wanted to shut off my computers forever and pretend Al Gore never created the Interwebs.

I remember the first day my mother arrived on Myspace. I had giant pot-leafs strewn across my page, odes to my favorite beers, friends who referred to me as “Skank” when writing me a comment about a previous party we went too and got shitfaced. To me, all hilarious, all innocent, all for me and my friends alone to share in.

THEN…. IRENE HAS FRIEND REQUESTED YOU What?????!!!! Irene!!! I don’t know any Irene’s……WAIT, IRENE MY MOTHER?????

I knew my mother could get online, I knew she had email, I knew she was fairly computer literate…but I did not think in a million years that she would be interested in the likes of a web presence.

I PANICKED and quickly had to change a few things. Instead of pot-leafs I thought “should I put up the Polish flag as my background? Should I change my hero’s to my Mother and Father instead of Danny Danko, Beer and Hitler (jk). For a split second I thought I should put something about Jesus just in case my mother showed my grandmother my page. I couldn’t NOT accept my own mother….so I reverted back to just a lame-o myspace profile where my friends were forced to enter CAPTCHA and wait for their comments to be approved. It was at that point, I just stopped using Myspace. That was years ago….

Now my entire family is on Facebook. I have managed to rant and rave enough about how stupid and pointless twitter is, so that none of them have joined that bandwagon, but I feel that will soon come to an end. There is nothing worse than your ultra conservative catholic sister checking your tweets and seeing that 50% of them are about legalizing marijuana, my support for our President and my extreme lack of faith.

This shouldn’t have caused me stress, but it did. Some things parents just shouldn’t know. At 15, 27 or 40. There are just some things better left untold to the people who changed your diapers, drove you to basketball practice and had the awful task of discussing sex and drugs with you. I want my mother to believe that I have held off from having sex until I become married, that I never drink or do drugs, that I faithfully follow my bible and spend my weekends volunteering for animal shelters. Insane? Yes…..but totally possible BEFORE THE INTERNET.

It was silly for me to think they wouldn’t all join in eventually, so recently I decided, instead of jumping off said bandwagon, I would embrace it. I would take all of this social networking bs and turn it into a way for my family to become tolerable of my less than agreeable stance on a majority of issues. I have led a fairly good and moral life and am not regretful of my decisions or ashamed of my stances, so what do I care? It has since opened the door to conversations that I wouldn’t have expected to have. Very honest and raw conversations with family that have helped me understand where I come from and why I act the way I do. I have learned more about my family because of these networks and know first hand that I have swayed a few of their opinions concerning certain things (suckahs).

The other day my father who is in his 60′s explained to me what twitter was. He said he understood the point of it, he said he thought it could be excellent for local business and keeping in touch. He also said “I would never do it because I know nobody cares what the hell i’m doing during the day”. I quickly responded “I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU JOINED!!!!” (I had a mini stroke, obviously). But how cool to get a twitter from your pops saying something like “Just caught the sweetest of Gar fish while out back” or “Go Tigers!”.

For now, I still have twitter. At least as far as I know. Its linked on my Blog, it wouldn’t be hard to find me…..but soon…..soon I know I will receive a tweet from my mother that says “@jamieexp what do you mean you need a brewski at 1pm?” “@jamieexp how come you aren’t studying and are instead sitting on the internet?” “@jamieexp why did @ashesforadam say he wanted to do your mom?”….

*sigh*…..

Check out the site I linked above, its pretty funny. I can only imagine the situations these platforms have gotten people in. I know for me without them I would probably still be viewed as a hardworking straight laced young lady who is patiently waiting for prince charming to sweep me off my feet and marry me in a catholic church.

Fuck that.

Peace,

Jamie

www.theexperience.fm

twitter: @JamieExp

jamie@theexperience.fm